Thoughts.  We all have them.  Some are brilliant – we want to share them with the world.  Others are shameful so we hide them away – keeping them secret.  But often, our thoughts are automatic. They just roll around in our heads in a sort of free fall – we don’t control them, analyze them, or pay them much attention.   

Our thoughts, however, directly impact many areas of our lives.  They form our perspectives, our beliefs, our attitudes and our behavior.  They feed our emotions and effect our relationships. The difference between a good day and a bad day can often be determined by our thoughts. 

Given the power they hold, let’s take a closer look.  Are they accurate? Not always. Should we trust them?  In many cases, no. Our brain will believe what we tell it, and our deeply formed messages are often incorrect.  We all have automatic “tapes” that play on repeat in our heads. These are often the messages we received as a child or teenager and are the result of our experiences and our individual perceptions of those experiences.   

Let’s take a heartbroken teenaged girl for example.  If she is rejected by a boy she has strong feelings for, as he begins dating someone else, she will likely compare herself to his new girlfriend to try to figure out why she was rejected.  As she views herself as “falling short” she may begin to tell herself, “you’re not pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough, etc.” If she repeats this message to herself often and without challenging it, she eventually comes to believe at her core that she is not enough. By reinforcing this thought often and for a long period of time, it becomes part of the automatic tape that plays in her head.  Any perceived hint of rejection or moment of self-doubt will restart this tape. Tragically, this message may follow her throughout her life unless she learns to challenge it, change her perspective, and replace her incorrect, automatic thought with an accurate one.  

I have personal experience with this.  Raised in a loving Christian home, my world began to fall apart at around age 10.  That is a long story for another day but suffice it to say I ended up being emotionally and verbally abused by my Dad as he battled a mental illness.  I learned to listen for signs that Dad may start becoming volatile and angry. These cues included things like banging cupboard doors, breaking plates, and slamming doors. I became hyper-sensitive to sounds and lived in this state of “high alert” throughout much of my childhood.  Fast forward 45 years to just a few years ago – I was taking a class and given the assignment to create a “thought log.” I was to notice when I had a strong emotional reaction to a situation, notice my body’s response, pay attention to my automatic thoughts, challenge those thoughts and replace them with truth.  I really didn’t expect to learn anything earth shattering. After all, at age 55, I’d been around the block a few times!  

While relaxing and reading in my living room, I heard a loud noise upstairs, followed quickly by the wind catching our laundry room door and slamming it hard.  Immediately I startled. My heart began to race, my breathing quickened, and my whole body tensed. I looked down to see my hand tightly gripping my leg. My automatic thoughts took over: “Someone is really mad.  Something bad is going to happen. This may become dangerous. I’m not safe.” These automatic thoughts – largely unnoticed throughout the majority of my life – were a shocking revelation. This had been my typical reaction to sudden, loud noises throughout nearly my entire life, and I hadn’t realized it.  Sure, I knew I was startled at loud noises and overly sensitive to anger, but I didn’t realize the full impact until this moment. I began to challenge my automatic thoughts. “Someone is really mad” was challenged with “Hearing a loud noise doesn’t mean anyone is angry.” I replaced “Something bad is going to happen” with “Sometimes things drop to the floor and the wind catches doors.  Nothing bad is going to happen.” I challenged “I’m not safe” with “You ARE safe. Even if your husband is angry, he has never physically hurt you.” Of course I was safe. I was sitting in my living room reading a book. There truly was no cause for alarm, but my subconscious needed convincing.    

Our thoughts also affect our relationships.  In your marriage (or other close relationship), have you experienced those times when everything the other person does just bothers you?  Have you been there? This often begins with a triggering moment when your spouse does something that really irritates you. Because you are irritated and focusing on the negative thing they did, you begin to notice every other irritating thing about them. The person’s negative qualities, habits and traits become magnified, while their positives disappear.  If during those times you listen to your thoughts and begin replacing negative thoughts with positive ones, your irritation will diminish.    

Many years ago, a friend was complaining to me about her husband and giving me a long laundry list of his negative qualities.  Then she told me she hated the way he breathed. The way he BREATHED! Poor guy – he couldn’t even breathe right! This obviously had nothing to do with his breathing but had everything to do with her magnifying his negative qualities to the extent that she could no longer see anything enduring or positive about him at all.   

In conversations with loved ones, our automatic thoughts, perspectives and feelings may produce an instinctual, emotional response we may later come to regret.  Have you ever said something without thinking and immediately wished you could take it back? Yep – that’s it. Often pausing before we respond to a small offense is helpful, and simply giving your loved one the benefit of the doubt may go a long way in avoiding unnecessary conflict.  By focusing on your loved one’s heart, considering their perspective, and reminding yourself of their positive attributes, some inconsequential conflicts may be avoided all together. Controlling our thoughts can help create a healthier and happier relationship overall.    

It’s important to note this article is addressing thoughts surrounding SMALL, minor infractions.  Most conflicts between couples need to be discussed, understood and healthily resolved so both partners may experience a full and healthy marriage.  The responses here are appropriate for a “why in the world can’t this man pick up his socks?” type of situation rather than a more serious issue.  

What are those automatic tapes that play in your head?  Where did they come from? I would challenge you to begin to listen and pay attention to your automatic thoughts.  Are they true? Accurate?  Reliable?  What is the original source of these thoughts? Most importantly, do your thoughts mirror how God feels about you?  Do they reflect His love? After examining your thoughts, work to change your perspectives and challenge your thoughts until they accurately reflect truth.    

If we truly take Philippians 4:8 to heart and practice it daily, I am convinced our lives will greatly improve.   

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.  Philippians 4:8